You could draft almost any NFL player and have a team of all stoners. At least half the NFL smokes the weed (probably closer to 99%), so as long as you don’t draft all kickers, you’ll have some burners on your squad. But this year, there’s an abnormal amount of known stoners (some suspended) that you can draft on your team. And while it might be tough to make this team happen, it’s not completely impossible. Let’s get to it:
QB Cam Newton: Did you know Cam Newton once was captured smoking what def looks like a blunt in a club? True story:
Not only does Cam look like someone out of Beverly Hills Cop in this picture, the guy essentially made “the dab” the dab. And it’s clearly the dabs that give Cam his superpower.
RB Ezekiel Elliot: The NFL’s top rookie running back just happened to swing by a dispensary while he was in Seattle, Washington for a preseason game. He won’t get fined nor suspended cause there’s no proof he did anything wrong (he didn’t). But you can count on one hand the amount of people who go into a dispensary just to “check things out” and don’t end up with glazed eyes 15 minutes later.
RB Le’veon Bell: Bell will miss the first three games of this season cause he just happened to miss drug tests related to his previous failed weed drug tests. In 2014, he was busted rolling up with his teammate and blunt brother, LeGarrete Blount. Recently, Le’Veon also ripped out one of the better “eff you NFL” tweets of the year prior to his suspension:
of course I get a "random" drug test on 4/20…good luck with that sample
— Le'Veon Bell (@LeVeonBell) April 20, 2016
Yes, you’re missing out on the league’s best fantasy back for three games, but he’s still worthy of a late first/early second-round pick. Just make sure you get his backup DeAngelo Williams–who has dreads so definitely smokes weed.
WR Josh Gordon: Like Bell, Gordon sits out four games cause of his cirque du soleil adventure with weed suspensions and the NFL. But Gordon has top 10 or 5 potential when he hits the field and will win some championships come playoff time.
WR Kenny Britt: Kenny Britt has been caught with weed things probably more times than anyone in the NFL, but he’s been quiet lately–too quiet. That makes me think that this tall and talented sleeper might finally be ready for the breakout/sleeper year that experts predict for him every year…or that he’s about ready to get popped blazing at any moment.
TE Martellus Bennet: When your nickname is “The Black Unicorn”, your known as easily irritated (when he’s not high), and one of the NFL’s top quote machines…you know your smoke weed. Oh yeah, he also Tweeted this two years ago:
Scooby Snacks were weed brownies. The only way Shaggy and Scooby could somewhat understand each other.
— Martellus Bennett (@MartysaurusRex) March 23, 2014
(Only problem is ASJ kinda stinks/is in his coaches’ doghouse. But I’m having trouble finding another Tight End who even looks like a stoner. Maybe Antonio Gates stays ageless cause of weed?
K Sebastian Janikowski: There is just zero chance this Bay Area-based man with the monster leg doesn’t cake CBD oil all over his legs before games.
DEF Cardinals: Lot of options at D (the defenders seem to smoke heavier than the offense, for whatever it’s worth), but the Cards in a soon to be legal state boast in Tyrann Mathieu (who wears a hat that says “lit” and Robert
LeGarratte Blount (RB): The yin to Le’Veon Bell’s yang, Blount is literally Bell’s blunt brother. And while he is a pretty boring back to watch, the dude gets in the end zone on one of the best offenes in the league.
Jaelen Strong (WR): He’s a tad buried in Houston but he’s an injury away from getting some PT and he’s got the size and talent– and the weed pedigree–to deliver. Strong was arrested in late February for hot boxing Maserati with but avoided suspensions.
Martavis Bryant (WR): For the keeper leagues out there…snag Bryant late, and stash him on your bench all year. Just know you might end up losing this stash for good if he can’t get his drug-test passing act together.
Austin Seferian-Jenkins (TE ): Tight end is that odd somewhat white position that has no known weed busts attached to it. So im just gona throw a dart and assume that Austin Seferian-Jenkins smokes the kind bud that makes your couch say he “didn’t know what he was doing” on the field and get sent off at practice. Plus, look at this glazed donut face:
Karlos Williams (RB): If he loses 30 pounds and starts eating healthier…someone has to sign the guy with as much talent as anyone in the game. He used his wife’s pregnancy as an excuse for his munchie-induced weight gain–and then promptly failed a drug test for weed. Still, he’s got massive keeper potential if and when a team sings ‘Los.
Robert Turbin (RB): The Colts presumptive backup running back was caught with weed earlier this year when cops found a “rolled joint type thing” in his car after he ran a stop sign. He’s not good, but Frank Gore isn’t young and he’s worth a stash in deep leagues.
Seahawks D: They know what real dabbing is. Really. When asked in a press conference about dabbing, Hawks Michael Bennet and Cliff Avril had basically the best response ever when they laughed and said it’s legal in their state. Denver probably has a better D (and Von Miller has been busted with weed), but their questionable offense makes them a little less dangerous.
Colin Kaepernick QB: Yeah, he might not win you or the 49ers any games, but have you ever me a dude that looks like this and doesn’t smoke weed?
Hall of Famers: Randy Moss and Ricky Williams (can you imagine having them on your squad?)