Paranoid Smoker is Correct About Fears For Once, Actually Sees Tiger


We've all been there.

You're minding your own business, burning down a blunt, when all of a sudden you see something crazy. Nah, there's nothing there. You're just being paranoid, you tell yourself. Then you see it again. Can't be real. This kush hittin hittin.

Well, every stoner's worst nightmare became reality for one person in Houston, Texas this week.

Our anonymous weed-loving protagonist was about to enter an abandoned house to smoke the other day, an adventure many a stoner have conquered in their journeys. When he entered the bando, he thought he saw something insane, but quickly just attributed his hallucinations to the fire ass weed he was surely smoking.

But upon further review (read: rubbing his eyes a few times), he realized he wasn't having a vision. There was a motherfucking tiger in front of him. Like a whole jungle cat. In a garage. In Houston.

The man promptly called Houston police, which we don't typically recommend doing while you're baked out of your mind, but there is for sure an exception if you come across a tiger. When the cops showed up, they confirmed the man's story and laid eyes upon the magnificent beast.

And what an absolute unit this poor tiger was, weighing in at a whopping 1,000 lbs. The tiger was caged in the garage in what authorities called very poor conditions, looking very dehydrated and smelling of urine. Thankfully, the tiger will now be transferred to a facility that can properly care for him -- and hopefully, put him on a tiger treadmill.

So, happy ending for all involved, as the news didn't say anything about Houston Police giving the man who found the tiger any trouble about his admitted weed smoking or possession.

But I smoked this morning while reading this story and my paranoia started to kick in. Why was this tiger 1,000 lbs if nobody was there to feed it? Where were its owners? Holy shit, did this tiger escape its cage, eat like all 4 or 5 of the people living in this house, and then put himself back in the cage so nobody could pin the murders on him? The perfect crime, really.