We’re only a couple of days out from the Super Bowl of smoking holidays and you probably haven’t even prepared your game plan. You’re just gonna cruise into Thanksgiving all willy nilly like you always do, forgetting all the critical errors of Turkey Days past, doomed to repeat them once again. Well, we won’t have it. Not again, bucko. This year, we strategize. This year, we walk away from arguably the greatest smoking day of the year with a full belly, a baked brain, and without our weirdo narc uncle threatening to call the cops like he did during BluntGate 2008.
There are some really easy steps we can all take together to ensure that the entire Smokers Club has a Thanksgiving for the ages. Any football coach worth his salt will tell you that the key to winning on Thanksgiving is harnessing your hunger for good, diverting that insatiable energy into executing the game plan laid out for you before the big day. That’s just day one stuff.
First, let’s start with some simple things you can do a few days ahead to lessen your burden on the big day. If we start checking boxes on the list early, we build up some momentum and kick shit into full gear by Thursday.
You’re gonna need to buy a bunch of extra weed. Double or triple your normal weekly haul. Ask your plug if they’re running any sort of early Black Friday deals on bulk buys. [They’re not, they laugh] It’s painful to buy a bunch of bud you know you’re not even going to personally smoke but it’s the season of giving so come on, pull yourself together and give thanks (and weed). You want to stock up on Monday or Tuesday because everybody and their mother are going to forget (as you would have without this handy dandy guide) and try to cop on Wednesday or, even worse, Thursday. And that’s when you pay the premiums. Interrupting your weed guy on Thanksgiving to pick up is a surefire way to get surcharges and stems.
Now that you’ve secured the bag, you need to get rid of it. Whether you’re hosting or visiting family, the last thing you want to do is have a massive bag of flower lying around somewhere. People are roaming the crib, putting their coats away, playing with toys on the shelves, taking the whole $5 tour, and someone will without a doubt find your stash. It happens every year. And only bad things can come of this. If a young kid finds it, you’re in big trouble with all the parentals. If an older cousin or one of your aunts or uncles finds it, you’re stuck giving out handfuls of fire the rest of the night. No, we’re giving out puffs not pounds this year. The Great Giveaway of 2017 shall never be repeated.
So, we’re going to take about 60 percent of the tree and roll it up ahead of time. A bag of pre-rolls doesn’t give off the same pungent aroma as a zip of the loudest loud, so it’s harder to find and easier to control. Another 30 percent of the stash is getting made into some beautiful THC butter, which will go splendidly with literally everything on Thanksgiving. Throw some on a roll, make a little weed butter moat around your mashed potato castle. Whatever floats your boat. The last 10 percent of your weed gets tucked away to roll a massive blunt after everyone leaves for the night. You deserve it.
If you want to use some of your prepped weed butter to make a batch of cookies or brownies for the big day, that always goes over well as long as you keep your eyes on the bag and don’t let them get into the wrong hands. Can’t have grandma getting dosed and giving everyone a scare when she goes comatose an hour later. Last year, I crushed up a whole package of Oreos into crumbles, mixed the crumbs with the weed butter, formed the mixture in a pie pan to make a crust, then added layers of ice cream and threw it back in the freezer. Boom, Sleepytime Ice Cream Cake.
On Tuesday or Wednesday, you hit the grocery store and load up on a secret snack stockhold. Of course, people are going to make appetizers and all that good stuff, but there’s never enough. There are like two or three little bowls of dip for 25 people and the good one is gone within 10 minutes. Then, there’s just a plate full of dry Triscuits left and your cottonmouth is at Crisis Level. Avoid this by bringing a few of your favorite snacks. Personally, I go Dark Russet Cape Cod Chips, maybe a bag of Peanut M&Ms (super Pro Tip: keep them in the freezer), and possibly a fresh dozen of Grindstone Donuts for the gang. But you actually order like 14 and keep two locked away for emergency snack situations.
On the morning of Thanksgiving, get in a nice wake-and-bake, it’s going to be a long day and you want to stretch your lungs and your tummy. Maybe kick things off with a nice bagel and shmear. As the stoning settles in, find a premier spot on the couch and claim it for the day. Put at least three belongings in and around the spot so that people know it’s yours. You solidify your seating now during the parade and dog show when not as many people are hanging in the living room, that way you’re not stuck sitting in the child-sized rocking chair when football is on later.
Oh, that’s a good reminder. Get your bets in now, before you’re really baked in a little bit. Lots of good football on so spread the wealth and let’s win just as much bread as we’re gonna eat today. Now, with that being said, we never bet on the Lions. You just don’t do it. I know, the line is going to be tempting, there are rumors of somebody on the other team having Covid, so it seems like Detroit might sneak one out, but they won’t. They never do and it’s never close. One of the most important components of having an amazing Thanksgiving is not betting on the Lions. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As the hordes of family roll in and everyone is hanging out shooting the shit, the dangerous topics of politics and religion will undoubtedly arise. This is your cue to send the smoke signal to all your cool cousins and Uncle Bill that we’re “going for a walk” because we need “some fresh air.” BEFORE YOU GO, put on a backup hoodie, as in not the hoodie you’re going to wear for the rest of Thanksgiving. Sure, on any other day, I’m all about wearing the stench of stonerism with pride and destigmatizing weed but on Thanksgiving, I’m just trying to chill and really don’t want all my aunts sniffing me as they come in for a hug, and then judging me the rest of the night. While on your walk, don’t be gone too long. If the whole group is gone for an hour, it will raise suspicion and all future smoke breaks the rest of the day will be met with rolled eyes and snide comments. Be stealthy, re-enter the party in small groups rather than all at once. One of you should walk back inside holding something like fresh beers or a new bag of ice so it looks like you only went outside for a second.
Thanksgiving is the greatest of all smoking holidays for a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that you get to eat dinner at like 2:30 in the afternoon. It’s genius and I wish this was a thing on all holidays. As you sit down for the Thanksgiving feast, make sure you have a few things to be thankful for ready to go when they go around the table asking. You don’t want to be the “ummmm lemme think, hold on” guy who everyone looks at and blames the “walk” you went on 20 minutes before. Health, family, all that good shit, they always play.
When the mashed potatoes, turkey, and baked mac make their way around the table, LOAD UP. Fill that plate so there are no empty spots where Aunt Berta can shame you for not taking a scoop of her gross-ass green bean casserole. Tell her you’ll grab some when you clear your plate and go for seconds, that should keep her at bay for a while. Next, start squirreling away rolls. Rolls are the Point Guard of your Thanksgiving team, dishing out dimes all over the plate and making all the other teammates better. They go fast and you’re going to need them later to make sandwiches out of the leftovers, so ration accordingly. Three rolls with your first plate; two to eat, and one for later. Then when you go for seconds, take two rolls. One to eat, one to stash.
By now, the rolls are likely gone. But if by some miracle there are still some left as dinner is finishing up, throw the last few in a Ziploc bag with the other two rolls you hid and stow them away as if your leftovers depend on it. Because they do. You can’t put all the Turkey Day leftovers on some weak-ass Wonderbread the next day, it will all fall apart immediately. You need the brute strength of a Brioche or whatever kind of fancy dinner roll you had to withstand an onslaught of gravy, cranberry, and the last of the weed butter.
Dinner’s over and everyone is sitting around half asleep with their pants undone. Take this opportunity to go smoke the last of the pre-rolls with your smoking crew. The last big bake of the day will offset any pending stomach ache and get you hungry for second dinner around 8:30 or 9 PM. After you come back inside from the sesh, it’s time to slide the remote off your sleeping uncle’s sweater-covered belly and put on some Thanksgiving classics. May we suggest this masterpiece?
From everyone here at The Smokers Club, Happy Thanksgiving! Tag us in your family smoking circle photos and when you show off your plates.